Know Your feelings

At one time or another over 60 percent of American marriages will suffer from an affair. In the huge majority of cases, the couple is better served by taking their marriage to Calvary.  In fact, the crisis of an affair brings many spouses to God. And, when couples take their marriage to Calvary they never have to take it to court. However, in a few cases drug abuse, wife abuse, child abuse, child sexual abuse, or a series of adulterous affairs make it impossible for the marriage to survive.

Over the years, hundreds of couples have come to see me in the crisis of an affair. While each couple is unique, the questions they present are very alike. I want to discuss with you the five questions I am most frequently asked by couples whose marriage is suffering from adultery.

Why Did It Happen ?

Usually an affair is a symptom of a troubled marriage. Often I find other serious problems in the marriage, problems that can stem from many sources. Sometimes it is just with communication. At other times it is problems with in-laws or financial difficulties, job conflicts, parenting conflicts, or sexual problems.

There are three times in a marriage when an affair is likely to appear. One of the common times is during the last half of pregnancy or after the first 7 to 10 years of marriage and, of course, at midlife. Often, the woman is the first to want a baby, but if she is wise she will hold back that desire until her husband wants a child. When her husband joins her in her desire for a baby the two of them own the pregnancy. When this is not the case, the husband may be attracted to another woman during the last half of pregnancy. Affairs are also likely to occur after the first 7 to 10 years of marriage. This is sometimes referred to as, “the 7-year itch.” Originality is gone and the routine of marriage can lead to monotony. Then, of course, there is that famous “midlife crisis.”

Is There Likely To Be Another Affair ?

This is a harder question to answer, because it goes to the very heart of the guilty person’s character. The sooner the affair occurs after the marriage, the more likely the affair is to be the product of poor character. And if the spouse has poor character, then the more likely it is that there will be other affairs. You cannot tell a person’s character by seeing them behave in any one setting or at any one time. It is important to say that a person’s character is established over time by the actions of that person’s life. In marriage, the longer a person has been true to the spouse before the affair occurs the less likely they are to have another affair.
So it all boils down to this: Is the affair the result of carnality or poor character? If the character of the person has been good, then they are a much safer risk for the future. Very few adulterers with good character have more than one affair. I know this sounds like a contradiction, for I am sure there are people thinking, “ How can a person of good character have one affair ? ” But, people of good character do bad things. That is just life. So once the affair is know, it becomes obvious that whatever pleasure the adulterer might have had is not worth the price he or she has had to pay for it.

Should I Leave the Marriage or Should I Stay ?

Whenever possible the marriage should be saved. I think it is naïve for a couple living in today’s world, to assume that their marriage will never be threatened by an affair. But your commitment to the marriage should hold you in the marriage if your spouse has proven to be a person of good character over time. The damage is going to be compounded by divorce.

Divorce is so devastating for the children. It brings such discontinuity into their lives. Their whole idea of home and family is permanently changed. It doesn’t make any difference how old the children are. The whole idea of family goes up in the smoke of divorce. So there is something to be said about keeping the marriage together for the children’s sake.

Bring the marriage to God and let His grace provide the forgiveness that is necessary to put the past behind the couple so they can construct a new future together. After the marriage relationship has had an opportunity to mend from this adulterous breach, couples learn to rediscover their love for each other and they build again. They give problem areas the attention they should have given them in years gone by and new strengths are built into that relationship.

How Much Should the Children Know ?

The answer to this question will differ with the ages of the children. For example, preschool children should be told very little. We do not remember very much of what happens to us really before we start kindergarten. So it is enough to tell the preschool child that just like boys and girls do bad things, mother or daddy has done a bad thing.

However, elementary school children need to know a little more. They need to know that mother has had a boyfriend or daddy has had a girlfriend. They need to know that this is wrong, and they need to know that mother or daddy has asked for forgiveness. That is what elementary children should be told.

But when you move on to junior high and senior high school kids, they should be told that sexual sin has been committed. It is important for them to associate sexual sin with the pain and confusion their family is experiencing at the time. However, no details should ever be given to teenagers or for that matter any of the children regarding an adulterous affair that mother or dad has had.

I think the information should be communicated to children in a family conference, so that the adulterous parent should lead the conference and should explain to the children what has happened in a way that’s appropriate to the age level of the children. Then in front of the child, the adulterous parent should ask his or her spouse to forgive them and then they should ask the children to forgive them.

What Hope Is There for the Recovery of the Marriage ?

When there is genuine regret and admission on the part of the adulterous parent or spouse and compassionate forgiveness on the part of the other spouse or parent, then there is great hope for the future of the marriage and the future of the family.

Adultery leaves both spouses with distinctive fears. For the offended spouse fears, “ If I forgive too quickly, I am going to be hurt again.” The offending spouse fears, “ I will never be able to live this down. This will be thrown up in my face for the rest of my life.” These fears can only be resolved as both spouses perform the act and the long-term process of forgiveness.

If you have been tempted to engage in an affair, I hope these words will be the voice of reason for you. Close the door to that temptation. Turn away from it.  If your family is going through the pain and complications of an adulterous affair, seek counseling, think it through or talk it out. Sometimes dealing with adultery can be a tough ordeal.

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