Know Your feelings

Some typical definitions of conflict include:
 

	At odds with another.
	Difference of opinion with another.
	Complaints about our performance.
	Disapproval of our behavior or attitude.
	Negative assessment of our performance.
	Fighting with another.
	Stress inducing event in which we are confronted in a negative way.
	A test of our power.
	A menace to our control.
	Matching of wills.
	An anger producing event.
	A threat to our security.
	Taking a risk.
	Speaking out for our beliefs.
	Risking the loss of acceptance.
	A time when no one is communicating; whether people are angry silently or are yelling at each other.
	Someone acting in direct opposition to our request.
	Defending our rights when they are being ignored

What behaviors help in handling conflict ?

Use ''I'' statements. Let the other person know how you feel when the conflict is taking place. Let the other individual know how you react to the conflict. Let the other individual know which of your rights you feel is being ignored in the conflict.

Be assertive, not aggressive. Speak about your feelings and your reactions. Keep the statements focused on how you are behaving, thinking, and feeling rather than on how the other is acting.

Speak calmly and rationally. In this way you will be listened to, and you will be able to retain better control of yourself. Otherwise the other person may be put in a defensive attitude.

Don’t blame. This will keep the communication flow going. It encourages understanding and empathy for each other's feelings. It recognizes that for a conflict to exist there must be at least two individuals who are adversely affected by the conflict.

Create a healing atmosphere. In an effort to heal the wounds resulting from a conflict, all parties involved must feel that they are being listened to and understood; that their rights are being respected. They must feel the need to work things out and a commitment to the process of working out the problems. They must feel wanted and cared for by the individuals involved.

Be willing to forgive. Forgiveness is a powerful tool of healing. You have a chance for personal growth by forgiving others for their part in the hurt and pain you suffered. At times, this is the only way to resolve a conflict.

Be willing to forget. Once you have ''resolved'' a conflict and felt like you were listened to, cared for, and understood, then ''let go'' of the conflict. Once you have implemented an agreed resolution, put aside the conflict. Put it behind you. Get it out of your mind. Forget it. Don't bring it up in the future as if it had not been resolved. If you write down the resolution of the conflict, you will have written proof that it is over and is to be forgotten.

Be honest. In resolving a conflict it is vital that you be honest with yourself and others about your feelings, and reactions to the conflict and to the resolutions. If you are feeling in a way you think you must, or in a way the others wants you to, not ''being yourself,'' then the resolution of the conflict is a false one. The conflict is sure to happen again. You gain nothing by being dishonest in the management of conflict. You waste your time and energy and end up with a sense of failure or guilt rather than growth.

Focus on feelings rather than on content. Efficient listening and responding are key elements in the productive resolution of conflict. Listen for the feelings and emotions of the other and reflect them with empathy and understanding. This creates an atmosphere of being cared for and listened to. It reduces defensiveness. It focuses on the process involved rather than on the issues, and it brings the individuals to a clearer recognition of their individuality and humanity. To focus on feelings clarify the issues, eliminating unrelated items.

Be respectful of yourself and others. You will gain more in resolving a conflict by being respectful (honey), than by showing disrespect (vinegar), e.g., being spiteful, taking revenge, threatening, yelling, accusing, belittling, ostracizing, ignoring. If you are on the receiving end of disrespect, remove yourself as soon as possible. When the other has calmed down, perhaps the discussion can be continued in a respectful way. If you lose your ''temper'' and become disrespectful, stop as soon as you can by either removing yourself or by silencing yourself. Maintaining a respectful mood is essential in resolving conflict.

Be willing to apologize or admit a mistake. It is essential to admit to one's mistake and to apologize for one's behavior before a deadlock in conflict resolution can be overcome. It takes courage, character, and strength to admit an error: a lack of judgment; an uncalled for action; disrespectful behavior; or a lack of caring, concern, or understanding. Stronger relationships can result when such eagerness is exhibited.

Be willing to compromise. If you hold your position as the only one to be considered, you are closing out the other individual's. To succeed in resolving conflict, all parties must feel like they have gained in the resolution. In order to resolve a conflict where the opposing parties are at opposite extremes on an issue, there is a need to come to the middle if all are to experience a ''winning'' attitude. Only through compromise can each be a winner in conflict resolution. Without compromise, you have either, given in and lost, or have gotten your own way with the other party having lost. Ideally, all parties should feel that they have won.

Steps that can be taken to handle conflict :

Step 1:	Clarify that conflict exists. If you sense a conflict, answer the following questions.
	a)	What is the content (or issues) involved in the conflict ?
	b)	For whom is this a conflict ?
	c)	When does the conflict happen? And, for how long ?
	d)	Under what circumstances is this a conflict ?
	e)	What are the hidden issues, those below the surface, in this conflict ?
	f)	Why is this a conflict ?
	g)	What is the worst possible consequence if this conflict is:
		1) Never addressed ? 2) Addressed and not resolved ? 3) Addressed and I give in ? 4) Addressed and the other gives in ? 5) Addressed and we both win ?
	h)	What are my feelings when facing this conflict ?
	i)	How does this conflict fit into my belief system about myself ?
	j)	What does this conflict say about the personality of the individuals involved ?
	k)	What is the conflict, really ?
Step 2:	Recap the answers to the questions in Step 1 into a clear, detailed description of the conflict with its variables.
Step 3:	Begin to problem solve in your mind. Write out alternative resolutions to the conflict.
Step 4:	Narrow down the alternatives until you come to the most important resolution in your mind and decide if the resolution:
	a)	Respects the rights of all individuals.
	b)	Will in the end, have all parties, feeling like winners.
	c)	Will allow, a healing process to begin, with no one being blamed.
	d)	Provides for finality of the conflict, with no recurrence.
	e)	Will result in better understanding by all individuals with all feelings being respected.
Step 5:	Once you have completed Steps 3 and 4 on your own, you are ready to speak directly with those with who you are in conflict. Ask the individual's to consider the script (i.e., written document) concerning the conflict. Go over all points on the conflict (Steps 1 and 2), possible resolutions to the conflict (Step 3), and analyze how the top priority resolutions are beneficial to all parties involved (Step 4). Ask the individual's if they have done a similar exercise in conflict management on their own; if not, would they like time to try Steps 1 through 4 ?
Step 6:	All individuals closely examine the top resolutions (Steps 3 and 4). Jointly analyze the options based on the questions in Step 4. Spend time discussing them, and then use a joint problem solving resolution.
Step 7:	Once a jointly owned conflict resolution is decided upon, the parties set a performance time and an evaluation procedure to determine if the resolution is successful in avoiding similar conflict's. They commit to implement the resolution and set a specific date to meet and review the resolution.
Step 8:	If, during the subsequent meeting, it is determined that the conflict has gone unresolved, modify the resolution accordingly, and continuing to consider all feelings. If you find yourselves at an impasse, return to Step 1 and begin again. infrequently professional help or that of an objective outsider might be necessary.
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	Adultery		Dissatisfaction
	Anorexia Nervosa		Divorce / Separation
	Anxiety		Gambling Addiction
	Being worried		Loneliness
	Bulimia Nervosa		Phobias
	Chronic Pain		Rejection
	Conflict		Stress
	Death and Loss		Suicidal Thoughts
	Depression		Violence
	Despair
Warning: if you have moderate depression or suicidal tendencies please seek the advice of a doctor/ therapist or dial 9-1-1.