Coping with Despair

What forms does despair take ?

Despair is:


 		 An irrepressible emotional answer to loss, which involves reacting to the pain and anguish implicated.
Weeping and crying, physical responses to the pain and suffering of the loss.
Physical contraction the chest and unintentional muscular contractions that occur at the time one "lets go'' and feels the total sensation of a loss.
Frequently seen as deep depression in which one withdraws entirely into oneself and pulls away from others, suffering secretly the pain and anguish of the loss.
Sobbing, ranting, and invective aimed at God, one?s self, or others in response to the wave of emotional pain experienced in a loss.
The sense of being "ungrounded'', "disturbed,'' "lost,'' or "forgotten'' as a result of a loss.
A feeling of devastating insecurity and fear after realizing the extent of the loss involved.
The reluctance of the human spirit to accept the loss and the crying out for justice, salvation, forgiveness, and compassion for the loss event.
Probing the "impartiality'' of treatment resulting from the loss and flailing out against it.
The emotional reply most commonly misunderstood as the only reply to grief.




What irrational beliefs are associated with despair ?

If I shed tears, I will show my weakness.
If I become emotional, I will disclose my lack of control to others.
Life ought to be fair.
You must be strong in the face of difficulty.
I must be sturdy to carry everyone in my family during this crisis.
If I ignore this trouble long enough, it will go away.
I must be going nuts or else I wouldn't be responding in this manner.
It's not ladylike (or manly) to shed tears in public.
I'm the only one facing this problem; no one else could comprehend.
If I let others see my torment and pain, they will lose respect for me.
If I have trouble accepting my loss, and let others know, they will exclude me.
It?s not normal to be feeling this way.
There are a few social expectations we have to meet in facing a loss like this.
If I go through this anguish once, I'll never have to feel sad over this loss again.
I can't believe I still find myself weeping uncontrollably after so much time has passed.
No one should ever have to feel bad like this.
I should be able to continue normal activities as soon as possible.
It is unusual to act this way; if others see me act this way they will think I'm abnormal.
I should never disclose to anyone how I really feel because it is my personal business, and I shouldn't bother anyone else with my problems.
If I permit myself to feel and act this way, I'm going to feel guilty later on for such feelings and actions.


What?s the result of blocked or unresolved despair ?

People who suffer from blocked despair :

Have a hard time tuning in to real human emotion.
Feel guilty for the buried feelings of despair they are keeping inside.
Feel uneasy when others despair over a comparable loss.
Become cautious about letting others know their feelings.
Can plunge into a deep depression.
Often withdraw from others and are unsocial.
Can become ?autistic-like'' in their reply to life's ups and downs.
Are incapable to accept their loss; hence they do not adjust to the changes which result.
Keep up a ?cheerful face'' or ?mask of strength'' for others but are terrified inside.
Are often incapable to search for or accept help in dealing with their loss.



People who suffer from unresolved despair :
 

Become panic-stricken in response to any human emotion displayed openly to them.
Become crusaders of a ?cause'' trying to change the way things are in the harsh and cruel world.
Find it hard to associate with others who have or are presently suffering a similar loss.
Are in a steady state of letting others know about their loss and how much anguish and pain has occurred from the loss.
Deem that they are responding normally to their loss and dismiss their behavior as a form of clinical depression.
Look for an audience to whom they can publicize their despair.
Become ?self-centered'', disregard the needs and wants of others, and pursue only self-interests.
Hide their lack of coping with their loss in a appearance of strength and gusto.
Are unable to deal or adjust to the changes in life resulting from their loss.
Become persuaded that no one can help them, and so they become ?lone crusaders'' and begin to challenge the system to change things.


How do we recognize an inappropriate response to despair ?

We acknowledge an inappropriate response to despair when we:

Cannot think of anything but our loss.
Feel guilt for our loss and find no end to the hatred we feel for our self and others.
Find it hard to carry on the normal course of our life.
Find it hard to face life as a result of our loss.
Feel lost and powerless to find the answers to resolving our despair.
Can't talk to anyone about what we are feeling.
Find that our only subject of conversation is our loss.
Have lost all hope or trust in resolving our problem.
Have withdrawn from our old friends and social circle.
Can no longer enjoy life, find a purpose in life, or find a reason for carrying on.


The biggest inappropriate responses to despair include:

Suicide, overwhelming unhealthy despair response can lead to this ultimate solution.
Divorce, a couple coping with despair at different levels often cannot resolve their disagreeing viewpoints, leading to dissolution of their marriage.
Mental illness, unresolved despair can lead to a mental collapse or break from reality. Psychotic-like behavior is one likely result of uncontrolled despair.
Physical illness, the physical reaction to unresolved despair can lead to severe or chronic illness.
Acts of violence, in a frenzy of despair, a person can commit an act such as murder, physical, or sexual abuse to alleviate the pain and anguish of the loss.
Chemical dependency, substance abuse can be used to hide the pain and hurt of the loss.
Food addiction, food becomes an end in itself, not only to satisfy hunger but to gratify the need to alleviate the stress of despair.
Extreme risk taking or self-destructive behaviour, gambling, taking thoughtless chances, and avoiding normal precautions can result when one's mind is fogged up with the pain and anguish of despair.




Ways to resolve blocked despair:

#1. Take a truthful inventory of your behavioral response to the loss; identify your wrong or unhealthy responses to despair. If you find you have unresolved despair, go to # 2.
# 2. Identify the illogical beliefs blocking the resolution of your despair.
# 3. Thoroughly refute each illogical belief keeping you from resolving your despair.
# 4. Find help from someone to help you in dealing with your illogical beliefs openly and honestly. Such helpers can include: parent, a trustworthy relative or friend, a church person, a health professional, a mental health professional.
# 5. In working with a helper, share the reason of your despair. Be free to disclose your inner pain and turmoil. Do not withhold the emotional tide. Trust the helper to respect your emotional response. Ask the helper to supply a ``rational'' thinking and emotional approach to the loss.
# 6. With the aid of the helper, imagine or picture the loss and permit yourself to feel the pain and hurt of your experience. Use this recreation to bring out your feelings of despair. Bring the recreation to closure by substituting a rational response to the loss, such as:
  Forgiveness, forgives the real or apparent perpetrators of your loss.
  Permission giving, allow yourself and others to suffer the loss appropriately and to adjust to the changes resulting from it.
Gentleness and kindness, treat yourself and others kindly and softly, don't be harsh on yourself or others, avoid trying to be so ''perfect''.
Transferring of responsibility, abandon the need to carry the responsibility for others' feelings and reactions, liberate yourself to be more open and honest in the response to your loss.
  Recognition of self-worth, permit yourself to believe that you merit to grieve openly, you have the right to adjust to the ensuing change, and the right to be given the understanding and respect of others as you cope with your loss.
  Guilt reduction, liberate yourself from the guilt that is overwhelming your pain and despair.
# 7. If, in working with your helper, you are incapable of resolving your despair, go back to # one. Use a professional helper, such as, a mental health counsellor, in addressing this unresolved despair. Shop around, if necessary, for someone with whom you can relate.


 

 

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Warning: if you have moderate depression or suicidal tendencies please seek the advice of a doctor/ therapist or dial 9-1-1.


 

 
 
 
 

 

 
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