Coping with Divorce / Separation
We grieve even after the end of a wobbly, unhealthy marriage. We grieve for what might have been. There is a void in our lives, an empty place where a person and a whole pattern of living used to be.
''Mourning a lost love is perfectly normal, and we can take solace in knowing that others grieve as well.'' -- Sefra Kobria Pitzele
On the scale of life's stresses, divorce ranks at the top of the list. It is one of the most intense changes that can occur in a person's life. On their wedding day, people commit themselves to one another for the rest of their lives. Regrettably, in many cases, that commitment is cut short. There are many reasons why. Personal goals and interests can change over time. Conflict may become the only thing a couple has in common. There may be physical or emotional abuse or infidelity.
Whatever the reason, ending a marriage is a very painful experience. Divorce is a process of dealing with loss. Just as it takes time to heal from the death of a family member or a close friend; it takes time to heal from the loss of a love.
Stages of Divorce
Initially, divorce causes feelings of shock and severe loss. Denial is common. Though the papers have been signed and both parties are on their own, there is still a sense of connection to the former spouse. Old patterns and daily routines remain unchanged.
When the reality of the situation finally hits home, the emotional floodgates open. It's common for the newly-divorced to withdraw socially to focus on grappling with their pain. The relationship which provided much of the structure of day-to-day life is gone, and nothing has yet developed to replace it.
During this stage, feelings of apathy, helplessness and depression are common. Weekends, without the responsibility of work or child care, may be especially difficult. Holidays can be a nightmare. Even though this stage is distressing, it marks the beginning of the grieving process and is essential for healing to take place.
The final stage of the healing process is marked by a renewed interest in life and much less preoccupation with the former partner. The divorced person begins to feel better, much like recovering from an illness. Friendships and acquaintances are pursued with renewed vigour. Eventually, romantic bonds with a new partner may develop as well.
Coping
The break up of a marriage, even an miserable one affects
a person's sense of identity. Frustration, confusion and
sadness are inevitable. However, there are ways to
alleviate the pain and cope more successfully:
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Go slow. Professionals suggest that it can take up to two years to heal after a divorce. | |
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Watch yourself for the "rebound syndrome". Be level-headed about new relationships. The automatic reaction to a troubled marriage is to find somebody new. However, jumping blindly into a new relationship could add to your problems in the long run, since most fail within a short period of time. | |
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Seek support. Support can come from many sources, both formal and informal. Informal support comes from family and friends. These are people who can accept your strong feelings and listen without judgment. Formal support may be necessary if you can't seem to get over your feelings of resentment, hostility or depression. Counsellors, pastors and psychiatrists are accessible to offer professional guidance. | |
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Don't isolate. When you're feeling hurt, it's natural to withdraw. But this is the time when you need to follow enjoyable activities the most. | |
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Develop a new routine. Don't cling to your old, "married" habits. Your lifestyle has probably changed, so your every day routine should change, too. | |
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Don't add stressors. Divorce is difficult enough by itself. Don't compound your problems by making more changes to your life and adding more stress. Although you may have no choice about some changes, such as moving, others, such as a major career change, can be avoided. | |
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Remember that healing hurts. Resentment, fear, grief and loneliness are part of the healing process. Give yourself permission to feel the pain. Healing is a process. You can't get through it without experiencing all its stages. In time, you'll feel better. |
Watch out for
depression. Feelings of sadness are normal.
However, if the sadness becomes so profound that life
doesn't feel worth living, you need exterior help. You may
be suffering from depression. Some of the signs that will
let you know if you are suffering more than just normal
sadness include: considerable increase or decrease in
weight, feelings of helplessness, feelings of
hopelessness, sleeplessness or sleeping all the time,
feelings of great discontent.
Warning: if you have
moderate depression or suicidal tendencies please
seek the advice of a doctor/ therapist or dial
9-1-1.
